TOI Interview

Toi Interview: A Work In Progress! Due Friday {in 2 days}!

1} The host of our dissociative identity goes by the name Felicity. She is our “going on with normal life self,” which means she has greater access to the brain’s prefrontal cortex than trauma-related parts of consciousness.

2} Felicity loves reading, writing, photography, music, teaching, & exploring nature.

3} We are from a one-acre farm in San Martin, California, although we lived in Colorado Springs most of the past 7 years.

4} When did you notice that you had an alter? What is his/her name? How did they help you during that time?

{*Please refer to #5.}

5} Please explain your journey with DID from the start, what initiated it (you do not have to get into depth if you are not comfortable with doing so.) the diagnosis, etc. (6 paragraph max)

All “trauma-related parts” (TRPs) are created to help the “going on with normal life part” (NLP). Our NLP goes by Felicity. Although we did not uncover the clues pointing to the truth until recently, we now understand that there was a form of sexual abuse from a neighbour during early childhood around age 4. Ocean is a submit part of consciousness & she carries the memories from that original trauma. Bambi is an attach part of consciousness who helped us enjoy childhood. Krystal is an introject flight part of consciousness who helped us with the responsibilities of day to day life, including being “mommy’s helper” caring for our 3 younger brothers.

Insomnia, night terrors, & anxiety began around age 10, at which point a flight part of consciousness named Abby was created.

Dissociation only affected us in minor ways until the body began to develop during adolescence, at which point the original trauma memories began surfacing in rather disturbing ways. Another flight part began developing internally but did not fully front until high school: Zina Zintar is a sexual part of consciousness who effectively coped with the sexual abuse somatic memories that were surfacing during middle school.

When high school began, more parts of consciousness were needed: 3 fight parts were created named Kingsley, Coral, & Ross. The events during high school were disturbing, to say the least, but were not understood until 10 years later. Ninth grade was the first time a very obvious dissociative switch occurred: we went by a different name (Monika instead of Kristin), dyed our hair (black instead of blonde), & acted differently (parents would comment, “This isn’t the Kristin I know”). This was also when the psychotic-type symptoms began, although it was all framed as spiritual warfare within the religious paradigm in which I was//we were raised: I only learned in 2017 that I was not actually possessed/oppressed by a demon in 2007-2008. The chaos & turbulent pain from 9th grade began our ten year struggle with chronic self-harm & self-medicating (substance abuse/addiction).

Further traumas in adulthood catalysted our decision to seek mental health treatment, which intensely worsened our condition. Years later we were finally accurately diagnosed with DID, dissociative identity disorder. We quit the health care system shortly after & began creating our own recovery program called Healing Journey Homeschool. With Janina Fisher’s multi-conscious parts approach guiding the way, we developed strategies & coping resources to process our pain & find grounding in the present day for each individual part. In the past year, we’ve made IMMENSE positive progress & are excited to see what healing the next year holds for us as we continue with our Healing Journey Homeschool.

7} What is everyone's name, age, and relation/job in the system? (Optional: Describe how they look & how their personalities are)

Ocean is 2 or 3 years-old, Bambi is 5 years-old, Abby is 10 years-old, & the rest of our parts are adults: Davina, Felicity, Lyla, Roxxie, Kingsley, Zina, Coral, Ross, Krystal, & Misty.

Ocean is our youngest part: sweet-natured, quiet, timid, trusting, & brave. She is fascinated with sea life & loves learning about ocean giants.

Bambi is our child adventurer who helps us explore uncharted lands! She helps us have fun & literally creates the {chemical} experience of joy within the brain. She's playful, adventurous, creative, witty, & trusting.

Abby is an "insider," meaning she never fully fronts on her own. She has red hair & freckles while other child parts have blonde hair & blue eyes. Abby relates a lot with Pippy Longstocking.

Kingsley Kyler is introverted & passionate for justice, especially regarding any form of prejudice. His wise insights are astounding! He {secretly} enjoys slam poetry.

His polar-oppisite twin is Zina Zintar. Life of the party. Loves making everyone feel welcome & engaged. Witty, outgoing, strong. People fall in love at first sight with her. Captivating, alluring, dazzling: Zina is awe-striking. She identifies as a lesbian & loves to pole dance.

Coral is our highest-ranking protector part. Her ability to boldly confront pain is truly admirable.

Ross is an introject persecutor. He's excellent at business & articulating himself in any discussion or debate.

Krystal is an extroverted caregiver. She is selfless & humble & experiences joy when helping others.

Davina is our higher self incarnated who is divinely connected with Source. She is deeply spiritual & guides us towards healing discoveries & realizations through activities to raise our vibration, especially through meditation & chanting. #VibrateHigher Felicity is the "going on with normal life self" meaning she is left-brain dominant {while all other parts are prominently in the right brain hemisphere} & she is the only one with full access to the brain's frontal lobes {prefrontal cortex}. She is a beautiful introvert who is passionate about writing, photography, entrepreneurship, & poetry.

Lyla & Roxxie helped us survive hard times from 2014-2018. Lyla is introverted while Roxxie is extroverted.

Misty is our adult attach part who loves Victorian houses, quill feather pens, & hand-written letters on old fashioned stationary. She a romantic to the core of her being & loves more passionately than all my other parts combined.

Together, all my parts form the Kristin Collective Dream Team, otherwise known to the world as Kristin Windsor.

8} What triggers you to dissociate? When you are triggered, is there a specific alter that comes to front based on what feeling you experienced?

Because my entire brain has developed around dissociation {forming a dissociative identity}, literally anything can trigger dissociation: internal emotions, external stimuli, people, places, things, smells, sounds, months of the year, reading, writing, eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom, etc. Our more severe dissociative episodes, which involve a much greater risk of dissociative blackouts & self-harm, are triggers specific to traumas; unfortunately, even these can be something as simple as hearing a housemate snoring or trimming their fingernails.

9} Do you feel that dissociating genuinely does help you?

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that turns an adaptive survival skill into a maladaptive disorder. Dissociation causes endless problems & challenges yet is part of my daily life nonetheless. Through years of extensive treatment, I hope to gain the ability to use my dissociative splitting consciously, rather than it happening subconsciously beyond my control, but I believe it will always be more of an inconvenient challenge than a helpful ability. For example, for an entire decade, our body had several dozen bones partially dislocated, & I had no idea: because we live with a dissociative identity, that pain manifested mentally, not physically, & went unnoticed until very recently, thanks to Dr. Luka Musich.

10} How do you guys (all alters) feel about not having a physical body of your own even though you still have a great impact on your host's life?

It is extremely painful & difficult for parts to not have the body they feel they are supposed to have. For child parts like Bambi, it’s really upsetting to not be little & be able to interact with other children as an equal peer. Ocean, our youngest part of consciousness, experiences a loss of brain balance, which poses its own intensive challenges: we’ve twisted our ankle just walking on a straight path when Ocean was fully fronting {meaning in executive control & affecting both the body & the brain} because of her lack of physical brain balance that helps the entire body maintain balance. For parts like Kingsley who experience severe body dysphoria, it actually induces dissociation & causes physical functioning to be extraordinarily challenging. Regardless of who's fronting, it's a constant challenge to sufficiently care for the body on a day to day basis, which adds a whole extra dimension of strife.

11} In regards to grounding techniques,etc. what do you do to bring yourself more awareness & peace? What is your grounding technique?

I have extensive daily coping rituals that help us get grounded. We meditate 3-5 times every day: deep-breathing, self-love butterfly hugs, humming, chanting, visualization exercises, dancing, trance walks, all sorts of things. We’ve created dozens of Coping Music Playlists on our KristinChronicles Spotify station/channel over the past 4 years: we continue to use them every single day. They’re a life saver!

Depending on whether our parasympathetic nervous system {correlated with the child/submit parts of consciousness} or our sympathetic nervous system {related with the teen & adult fight/flight/freeze parts of consciousness} is dysregulated, we apply specific coping tricks & tools from there.

We listen to & speak aloud & silently write affirmations every day. That’s played a significant role in our healing journey, helping us rewire our subconscious neuropathways through positively-framed, present-tense “I am” statements with extensive repetition. We also listen to binaural beats every night while sleeping & that has shown noticeable benefits over the past year & a half.

We also have specific tools for when we leave the house to go grocery shopping or to doctor appointments, including a Spotify playlist we use with noise-cancelling headphones. We never leave the house or engage in social activities without essential oils: smelling peppermint helps calm a dysregulated parasympathetic nervous system while lavender is much more comforting when our parasympathetic nervous system is dysregulated. We also usually have our stuffed elephant Kal with us when we leave the house, especially for doctor appointments of any kind.

We regularly share our latest coping tool creations on our Patreon page, if you'd like to join the journey!

12} What advice would you give to someone who is experiencing the same things you are going through? (Public situations, Girlfriend/Boyfriend,etc.)

The best thing anyone experiencing similar struggles could do to reclaim their power is begin a DAILY meditation practice. Learning to be present with yourself is a huge part of the healing journey, especially since communication between parts all occurs subconsciously. Always remember, it's a process. Healing is not linear. & Life is like a heartbeat: the terrifying pitfalls are how we know we're still alive; ups & downs are to be expected. I often comfort myselves by meditating on the fact that tears are a sign of Life, & where there is Life there is Hope. It's all part of the journey; it's all allowed. & the more we allow our authentic beings to shine through, the more deeply we begin to heal.

13} In regards to family and friends, what advice would you give them to allow them to understand their loved one better due to the misconceptions MANY people have on DID.

The best thing a loved one can do to help someone with DID is learn to recognize the signs of mental dissociation & a physically dysregulated autonomic nervous system & learn how to respond accordingly. & don't be afraid to ask questions! Learning to be compassionately curious about what's happening within the brain & body is actually a hugely powerful piece of recovery. Not only will you be empowering the cultivation of mindfulness, but those calm, clarifying questions can build a bridge between the worlds of you & your loved one.

14} Throughout everything you've all been through in life and now, what have you all learned about yourselves? By the way, you all are OUTSTANDING people filled with genuinely loving energy. You are warriors. Thank you all for being you.

I’ve learned that nothing is as it appears & the more open I am, the more wonders I discover. I’ve learned that this brain & body are much more brilliant than I ever assumed. I’ve learned that my identity is not defined by my health or my physical circumstances but by my courage, my determination, my inner-peace, & my unconditional compassion. I’ve learned that thoughts & emotions are a powerful energetic force that must be managed wisely. I’ve learned never to undersestimate myselves. I’ve learned that I am a peaceful warrior & a lightworker, & when I focus on that rather than the diagnosed condition, I reclaim my power & move forward into a life I create, rather than fall victim to it.

15} What are some misconceptions on DID and how do you go against those comments/thoughts?

The biggest misconception about DID I’ve encountered is the assumptions that parts know exactly who they are: even therapists will ask direct questions rather than helping clients explore the subconscious to identify these fragmented parts. To combat this ignorance & stigma, I am launching a month-long worldwide mental health advocacy movement called the Dissociative Identity Movement {which people can get involved with through the movement’s Facebook group}. People also make assumptions about someone’s intelligence when living with a severe condition like DID, which is absurd since it has nothing to do with intelligence or lack thereof. I fight this misconception by pursuing my dreams, regardless of the challenges my health poses, always making sure my disorder empowers my life rather than dictating or limiting it.

16} Attach 1-15 Photographs.

17} Social Media Account(s) (This is for our readers to be able to view your social media accounts if interested. YouTube, Instagram, Etc.)

We share our daily healing journey on Instagram.com/KristinChronicles & on Patreon.com/KristinChronicles.

18} Your Website Link (if available)

Four years ago we began a blog titled Exploring Existence with a Certifiable Vagabond: kristinkarina.wixsite.com/KristinChronicles.