The Gift Of Sanity: A Note From The Other Side of Insanity.

This is what it feels like to be unblended, to be regulated, to feel sane.

My body is a normal temperature: my hands & feet have circulation {rather than being freezing cold with parasympathetic dysregulation} AND I'm not dripping sweat {which happens every single time my sympathetic nervous system is dysregulated}. I can wear what I choose to without freezing or burning up: normally, I bundle up to go outside, & I still lose feeling in my toes & am cold easily; when I come inside, I start to feel so hot I begin to panic, & I rush to unbundle. Tonight, I wasn't cold while outside, & while typing I'm still bundled & am comfortable! Warm, but comfortable! I literally could not experience this before. #TheGiftOfSanity

I am in control of my breath: if I choose to breathe deeply, I am able to, rather than it being this forced, painful thing that only kind of works. Breathing when blended is very shallow despite my best efforts to deepen in with various coping tricks & tools, & always involves some level of chest or abdominal pains. Right now, I don't notice any particular sensations there, other than breathing, & it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off me ~ this thick layer of dissociation that restricted my ability to be present even with my own heartbeat & was only ever gone when life was absolutely perfect. I never knew breathing was supposed to be this easy, this simple, this effortless, this pain-free. #TheGiftOfSanity

I am in control of my thoughts & emotions: if I get upset, I can choose not to invest in that emotion or the situation, & walk away & let it go; if I want to engage in a project, I can increase my thoughts, & if I want to relax, I can decrease my thoughts; if I feel sad, I can be present with that emotion without experiencing any form of mental illness symptoms, such as deep depression, self-harm impulses, or suicidal ideations; if I want to direct my focus on something, I am able to do so simply by choosing to do so. NONE of this is possible when blended with parts. NONE of this is possible when my nervous system is dysregulated. NONE of this is possible when I am experiencing a morsel of insanity. #TheGiftOfSanity

When I am triggered, I can remain present with the experience of parts without automatically blending with them & losing access to my personal power. I can stay grounded, remain regulated, & experience their emotions alongside of my parts, without taking them on as my own. Triggers wash over my like rain rather than sweeping me up in a tidal wave that inevitably drowns me out.

I can reminisce about past memories without being triggered by my own emotions & memory's intensity.

I can appreciate humour that I don't find funny, rather than feel triggered by it.

I can look at my parents & see two human beings as they presently are, rather than an incessant collage of the stories in my life they held a role in.

I am able to taste food as it actually is, rather than a distorted perception that either dulls or intensifies it to such an extreme that eating becomes almost unbearable. #TheGiftOfSanity

I can hear bass without feeling it in my body. I can be exposed to bass {through music or the television} without dissociated because of it. This never happens! #TheGiftOfSanity

I am able to come back to ideas I had moments ago. My brain is not constantly resetting. I do not have to continually reestablish who & where I am moment by moment. I don't have to constantly overthink the tiny details of what I'm doing or thinking or experiencing. IT FEELS SO ABSURDLY AWESOME, my mind is rather blown right now. #TheGiftOfSanity

I am able to be fully & unconditionally in the now. I am capable of innately knowing where I exist within the concept of time without getting swept up in the timeline of where I've been. When blended with parts, time feels non-existent; I often feel I exist years ago but not right now in this year; I am incapable of comprehending what "now" actually means because I do not exist in this now moment. When unblended, I am not triggered by every nanosecond of stimuli, revitalizing the experience of the present moment. When unblended, I am capable of being grounded fully & unconditionally in the now, with time passing at a normal rate, rather than a slowed, distorted, or accelerated rate. #TheGiftOfSanity

With a renewed sense of being present, everything else changes: I have the ability to reclaim my power on every level, which transforms every microscopic aspect of this life experience, which in turn expands my ability to dream about the life I want to create moving forward.

~Felicity, the left-brained 'going on with normal life self'