Suicidal Ideations.
- Kristin Windsor
- Jan 24, 2018
- 2 min read
What are suicidal ideations, & why are we so terrified if it as a medical symptom?
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Ideation simply means thought.
Have you ever thought about something not so good, something borderlining upon "evil," & although you never acted upon those ideations, those thoughts stayed with you nonetheless?
That has happened to me. Suicidal ideations are thoughts about death & craving it.
It is not having a suicidal plan.
It is not actively seeking death.
It is not being genuinely open & willing to killing one's self.
It is not always "being" suicidal.
It can be as simple as having a bad day & wishing you'd never been born for a split second, to suffering from a debilitating mental disorder that causes you to fantasize about death in all its agony & finality.
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Suicidal ideations occur. We cannot stop that from happening. What we have control of, however, is completely within our power & responsibility to manage, & that includes those suicidal ideations.
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I am done apologizing for the suicidal ideations I experience & struggle with on a regular basis. I am done apologizing for a medical condition I suffer with that no one understands & few ever validate.
I am done apologizing for my lack of desire to live, for these daily suicidal thoughts that threaten to drown me, for this darkness I spend my whole life fighting at this point.
If others are not coerced to apologize for their upsetting quirks, for the things about themselves beyond their control that may bother others, for their identity aspects that are not agreeable, then I will no longer be forced to either. This is a part of who I am. Perhaps not a part I like very much or a part that's enjoyable, but, nevertheless, it IS a part of me & who I am—the good, the bad, & the ugly.
Please stop making it more difficult to love & accept myself than it already is, living with an incurable medical condition that has me 100% disabled at this point.
I want to be strong. I am meant to be more. I seek help, yet it isn't out there. I am willing to commit to an in-patient treatment program, but I have been unable to find one capable of treating DID, my diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder.
For someone like me, suicidal ideations are more of an emotion I must learn to observe & allow to pass without responding to it. I cannot control the presence or activity of suicidal ideations, but I can choose not to connect with those thoughts & feelings. I can choose not to act on my emotional experience, no matter how strong & life-threatening it feels. I can choose to combat that darkness with logic & reality, with emotional appeals & reminders of positives moments, with love & tender patience. I can choose to continue this fight for my life. I can choose to remain on earth & make the most of my misery.
To choose this every day when the opposing forces are so damn strong is truly an act of courageous bravery. Those who fight this invisible battle are true warriors of consciousness.
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