Articulating Specifics of Dissociative Experiences: Disconnect Between My Neurophysiological Applica

I feel like my aspects of self are connected—like the serious parts and the playful parts have the ability to communicate and collaborate—like it doesn’t need to be one or the other—like they can both coexist simultaneously in the backdrop of my consciousness where many aspects of self exist and none are restricted because all can be present because our nervous system is finally regulated.

My face hurts from smiling! That is something I have not felt in a long time.

I feel like my mind and body are connected: when my body has an impulse, instead of separating from my mind to act on the impulse, it communicates it and the mind can observe the impulse, and it all happens faster than seconds—nanoseconds, milliseconds, automatic communication.

When the body has impulses, urges, and sensations, they are communicated to the observable mind, and the mind has the ability to be fully in-tune with what’s happening while sustaining access to a conscious self.

Before, when the body would have an urge, impulse, or sensation, the mind would glitch out, and the sensation of the mind would become the urge, impulse, or sensation of the body completely.

The traditional experience of mind disappeared, and the aspect of sensation from the body came up and took the place where the mind would typically exist and be consciously engageable, and that was the experience of mind that was happening during a lot of dissociation—a singular sensation from the body without all the mental cognition.

In my mind now, I know “all the things”: I know who I am; I know where I am; I know the backdrop information that led up to this moment, but I don’t need to revisit it to know that it’s there. Before, there wasn’t a knowing that it was there: I would have to revisit it to know that it was there; and then when I revisited it, I was reliving it, rather than observing it. But now, I can observe it, but I don’t even need to explore it because I know that it’s there!

The body can communicate sensations to the mind in an observable manner. Also, the mind can communicate sensations to the body in an observable manner.

For example, if I am having a thought or a feeling or a sensation that would be in my mind from my conscious experience and then backdropping into the bodily experience because they are connected. Whether they’re communicating effectively or not, they’re still connected; it’s just the experience of the connection that becomes altered in a mind-body disconnect. So, if I’m having an emotional sensation through my mind, then it connects with automatic sensations in my body: I can feel my facial muscles lighting up; I can feel something in my body where an emotional sensation is traveling through this miraculous little vehicle-vessel thing that I live in. It’s all connected.

Before, there would be an emotion, and it was disconnected from my experience of mind AND it was disconnected from my experience of body, so that it existed over here (separate) in its own realm of consciousness without the ability to be totally present with the sensations of the observable mind and have connectivity with that, and also was lacking connection with the body so that what was happening in the body and what was occurring in the emotional sensations had connectivity.

It was all occurring separately. There was this dissociation within my experience where aspects of consciousness operated in their own isolated formats without connection with one another—without the ability to communicate or collaborate; without the ability to know what else was going on.

{Sharing an example of needing to audibly explain from mind to body what we were doing step by step while washing hair yesterday...}

…Because our body and our mind and the sensations in between didn’t know about each other! I’d reach for something, and my body would start to feel this thick anxiety, especially in my gut.

The connectivity between the decision to do this thing and the body doing this thing was also shot because I kept forgetting what the next step was: “Like, OK, I’m reaching for something, now what?! I’m lost again; I have to start over entirely; what was I doing?!?”

AND THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR YEARS. AND I’VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO ARTICULATE IT. *Dramatic Shouting Exclamation* *Dramatic Shouting Exclamation* “I repeat:” *Dramatic Shouting Exclamation*

Even now, when I’m speaking… There’s a little bit of disconnect, but it’s not as bad as it normally is… There’s a little bit of disconnect, probably because I’m feeling emotional sensations, to be quite frank, because this is all really wild and I’m connecting so many different aspects of so many different things that I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW EXISTED YESTERDAY! ***Squeal of Joyful Excitement to Release Emotions to Reduce Dissociation***

Right now, there’s a sensation of the mind, and then there’s a sensation of visual eyesight, but my body is disconnected from that. Not as thick and severe as it normally is; not as scary and intense, but it is happening.

Dissociation is definitely on a spectrum. And there’s different types of dissociation and dissociative experiences of consciousness, and each one exists on a spectrum of severity and intensity.

It is time the world knows about what dissociation really is.

My internal sensations of thought, ability to observe emotions, decision of what to say,…{*dissociative shifts; able to come back*}…are connected with the sense of “I” through the mind.

Then the sensation of body… The feeling of the emotions in the body… The feeling of the different aspects of bodily existence… The feeling of physical movement—not the decision to move my body, but the FEELING of moving my body… All belong with separate aspects of consciousness.

Mind-Body-Disconnect.

The part of my brain choosing things, deciding things, is different from the part of my brain moving things. This is the cerebellum-cerebrum theory we have been working on!

This is what we’re experiencing: the consciousness in my cerebrum and the consciousness in my cerebellum operate as separate modalities of personhood. That’s my working theory.

My experience of deciding how to move my face and seeing how I’m moving my face are connected, but the feeling of moving my face is a separate aspect of consciousness from the observable “me” (in the mind).

And then, if it takes it a step further, then the mental cognition of observation and thought and conscious decisions, such as what to say, are the observable mind “me”; and then the body is down here being the one that creates what I desire to say; and then there’s this middle ground of consciousness where my eyesight exists, and my visual processing becomes separate from the observable “I” in the mind and the unconscious sensations of the body.

I feel like this is the conscious awareness, subconscious, and unconscious operating in three separate modalities of consciousness.

Consciousness is its own thing. {(**Looking into camera to connect with aspects of consciousness housing memory, experience, perceptions, etc.**)} That’s why we say “the neurophysiological applications of consciousness” because the brain and the body system are heavily involved in the experience of it, but consciousness itself is a separate entity entirely.

{(**Silly faces to playfully express the sense of amazement.**)}

{(**Quiet exclamation as processing sinks in.**)}

{(**Visual eyesight drifts away from straight-forward focus on camera.**)}

I can tell I’m dissociating… I think because there are either memories and/or emotional sensations being activated unconsciously, which is shifting our conscious experience away from the present moment of full lucidity and towards a dissociative experience of separation from the present moment—objectively, unconditionally, physically, externally, explicitly.

{(**Noticing a pain-like sensation by inner tragus of ear, or muscles in front of ear on hind-sides of face.**)}

{(**Observation is followed by a stretch and a yawn, unconscious clues indicating relaxation within the nervous system as implicit sensations are explicitly described, aiding in the re-connection of brain regions where dissociation had unconsciously activated a disconnect.**)}

Our neurophysiology provides tools for the consciousness to flow through, but consciousness is its own separate entity that happens to have a symbiotic relationship with human neurophysiology.

My body, my eyesight, and my mind are operating in three separate realms of consciousness where the continuity and the operational flow of personhood sensations between these three realms of consciousness are lacking consistent fluidity. That’s it; that’s what’s happening.

And it’s not even necessarily that they belong to a specific inner person; I don’t think consciousness is that quantifiable. But definitely, they’re operating in separate realms of consciousness. Because I’ve experienced it when there’s more intensive separation in the aspects of consciousness—where my front, my back, my right arm and my left arm {(**momentary difficulty connecting left-right body awareness to observable mental cognition**)}, my right leg and my left leg, my eyes, my face, and my mind are ALL in separate aspects of consciousness; there’s no continuity in the flow of communication between ANY of them. They all feel like they’re just separate things that have no relationship with one another, and so its confusing to get them all to work together towards one singular mission in agreeance. So, I’ve experienced more severe disconnect between these applications of consciousness.

And I’ve experienced increased continuity and fluidity within these applications of consciousness where my body and my eyesight and my mind all feel like they belong to the same conceptualization of “me.” And they’re all flowing together, and there’s no hiccups. And the communication of what I’m thinking about saying and what I’m verbally saying and what I hear myself saying and what I see myself saying are all the same thing.

But when there’s discontinuity and disconnection between these things, then the sensation of thinking about the thing to say, and feeling it being said, and hearing it being said, and seeing it being said as I look at myself while I’m recording—they don’t feel like they have an automatic relationship with one another. Their realities are not automatically connected. The experience of each sensation feels different and separate and unrelated with one another.

It’s almost like if you’re watching a movie and what you’re seeing visually doesn’t line up with the sound. Maybe the visual is just a few seconds ahead of the sound, so by the time you hear what’s being said, they’ve already moved their lips and are moving their lips in a different way now. The visual doesn’t match the audio. It’s kind of like that… Kind of…

Where your experience has these separate sensations to it and they’re not lining up to create one fluid movie.

When you’re watching a movie and the visual doesn’t line up with the sound, it’s a little hard to focus: “Am I paying attention to what it looks like or what’ being said because they’re not happening at the same time??” Especially if there’s a big lag or something.

It’s like that. And my brain has to work overtime to connect the dots: “OK, what’s happening here, and what’s happening here, and what’s happening here, they’re related, and they come together, and this has a relationship with…”

There’s all of this stuff that would normally be happening automatically, unconsciously, that my brain and aspects of consciousness have to work overtime to try and piece the dots together just to have basic experiences moving through life.

So, a disconnect between those three realms… And then it started as just a disconnect between the internal and external… And these are things we’ve been describing in our Expose on Dissociative Experiences of Consciousness…

I’d love to create some terms for them someday: a term that describes when your internal reality and your external reality are not having the same experience because of a disconnect within the neurophysiological applications of consciousness.

The mental experience can be clarified as: the “observable mind”, the conscious mind, the internal cognition that possesses a natural capacity to observe and respond by/through choice.

…Yeah, we can put on our headphones… Can’t think AND process sounds at the same time: separate applications of consciousness!… Music is so much more enjoyable lucid! It’s not fragments of sensation, for the most part… {(**Singing: Raise our voices together or we won’t make a sound!**)}

The mind would be: the observable cognition; the ability to observe and consciously choose a response; the internal perceptions of thoughts and explicitly observable emotional sensations.

Feeling sensations in the body is one thing, but that’s implicit. The conscious mind is what interprets it to say, “This is a feeling of sad; I feel sad.” That happens in the mind.

The body would be all of the unconscious operations: orientation in time and space; the ability to feel physicality; the ability to move physicality. The mind is what chooses the movements and says “I want to move here”; the body is what does the movements and says “I am moving here.”

All of the external and internal stuff of the body: the things flowing inside, the skin, the organs, the flow, the heart rate, sensations, when emotions are felt in the gut, like you have a gut sensation… That’s all happening in the unconscious body.

A split between the internal and external realities is a split between the observable mind and the unconscious body.

When that goes one step further, then the mental cognitions and the unconscious body and the visual eyesight all experience separate applications of consciousness. They’re all in separate realms of reality where: the mind would be the conscious choice of thoughts and movement; the eyes would be the automatic perceptions based on stimulus of experience; and the body would still be the body with all of the unconscious operations, feeling sensations in the body, etc.

The observable mind, visual eyesight, and unconscious body—three layers—all become separate.

#MosaicMindAwareness #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #AdaptableConsciousnessCondition