I couldn’t imagine a life without mental illness.
I couldn’t imagine existing without racing thoughts, intrusive voices, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, night terrors, traumatic-stress flashbacks, and dissociation.
I couldn’t imagine my identity existing without the labels of my health battles.
I couldn’t imagine having the opportunity to break free from battles that had constantly been with me since elementary school.
I lost everything: friends, homes, jobs.
Dozens of doctors across multiple cities worked with me until reaching a point where they’d tried everything and could no longer offer me their services because nothing was working.
Healing seemed impossible.
Years of weekly investments led nowhere.
Individual therapies, group therapies, psychiatric medications, workbooks.
No one could get to the bottom of my struggles.
No one could explain why I was having the horrific, terrifying, all-consuming struggles that continued to grow.
No one could extend effective help.
No one could offer me tangible hope.
I felt so alone. I felt so helpless and hopeless.
It seemed my existence was a burden, to myself and those around me, with no hope for anything ever changing or improving.
The healing path seemed never-ending, and things kept getting worse without improving.
I felt terrified of my own existence. I felt miserable about being. I felt so deeply powerless.
In 2017, I discovered neuroscience and began to gain an understanding of my experiences.
Over 2 decades of chronic traumatic-stress had completely rewired my brain-body system, and no amount of talk therapy or medications could change, heal, or transform that.
I decided that I had come too far to give up now, and that no one could offer me power by myself.
I decided that I needed to fight for my wellness from a new angle.
I quit therapy; I quit large dosages of psychiatric medication. I went through the withdrawals and wrestled with my inner demons.
I chose bravery when I felt anything but brave.
I chose power when I felt anything but powerful.
I chose to fight forward when that direction didn’t seem to exist.
I researched neuroscience until I understanding every single thing happening in my brain.
I experimented with coping tricks and recovery resources until I had 100 places to go that would benefit my healing.
I became my own therapist, studying techniques (such as those used by Janina Fisher) and creating protocols to apply them towards myself every day with dedicated discipline.
I invested in meditation and self-hypnosis even when I had literally dozens of voices in my head battling for their lives.
I studied human consciousness along the way.
I identified where the battles were coming from within me, and I created strategies to effectively address them for long-term brain rewiring.
I spent 6-10 hours in meditations at a time, usually more than once/day, every day for 2 years to completely rewire my brain-body systems.
I uncovered traumas that were suppressed, and I processed and released them by being present with them, day after day for years, until every last energetic molecule had been rewired within my unconscious memory systems.
I sang to myself.
I sang loud and boldly and off-key and through tears. When it bothered others, I expressed compassion while simultaneously refusing to apologize for the healing I was creating for myself - the healing that I knew I was worthy of and that was possible, even though no one else had been able to offer it to me.
I cried.
I cried every day harder than you can possibly imagine. Sobbing wails does not due justice to the intensive purging sound created through my lungs, so desperately fighting for survival and the return of a voice that felt like my own.
I shook.
I challenged myself.
I challenged the darkness I experienced.
I created space for tender healing moments, sometimes taking up to 6 hours for a single shower ritual.
I slept outside to allow for nature’s stimulus to reduce the traumatic response in my body while laying there deep breathing for hours, moment by moment redirecting my conscious focus towards the sounds of nature, remaining present with every petrifying sensation as they arose.
I recorded thousands of hours of videos to express, process, and reflect.
I filled 30 journals.
I shared my journey along the way, finding it so fascinatingly odd and miraculously strange to be witnessed by others when I did not have the lucidity to witness myself.
I worked relentlessly on a Mind-Body Connection Case Study with Dr. Luka Musich to uncover the mysteries of my dissociative experiences while living with multiple inner persons (diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder).
In the process, I discovered a brand new condition that I call adaptable consciousness condition (ACC), which I understand the neurophysiology of in-depth.
I created language for indescribable experiences of consciousness, including dozens of different types of dissociative experiences of consciousness, filling 25 typed pages of specifics, and creating the Spectrum of Dissociative States, the Spectrum of Age Regression, and the Spectrum of Traumatic Response to express and explain the experiences I was having that made me feel so isolated and alone.
During all of this, I could not feel my body: it was in so much present physical pain (which is whole other story), and my mind-body connection so severe from the traumas trapped within, that my body was constantly dissociated. I could not feel my own skin. I could not process sounds in the atmosphere. I could not even hear the sound of my own voice. I needed to cup my ears forward and lean in to hear what someone in front of me was saying because my cranial nerves and other brain region aspects were in such severe distress that human voices became irrelevant to the unconscious realms of my being and were no longer being processed.
I was in such a chronic dorsal vagal collapse that I experienced severe oxygen deprivation; I am now 564 hours into oxygen therapy, another healing experience I created for myself (I bought an oxygen tank in June 2019 upon confirming the specifics through my own personal research and collaborations with my case study).
I had panic attacks so severe that I often felt stuck in a breathless heart-attack sensation of pure terror for over an hour.
I lived in constant traumatic-stress flashbacks.
I lived in constant traumatic-stress states.
I could not move my body without terror, regularly partially dislocating my own bones because of how disconnected everything was within my brain-body systems.
I had such severe night terrors that I often woke up with injuries because of the relentless tossing and turning.
So many days, the depression I experienced was so severe that it took me hours to get out of bed because my body did not know how to lift itself from the covers.
My visual eyesight kept shutting off, becoming completely disconnected from my conscious brain.
I experienced age regression every day, sometimes dipping as low on the spectrum as 6 months old.
For over a year, I spent hours hiding in the bushes with my notebook and headphones, exploring my own healing while hiding from human beings because everyone, everywhere, doing anything felt unsafe.
I had lost the ability to formulate explicit memories: day by day, I had no orientation in time and space; people around me, and even online, knew what I had been up to, yet I had no idea what was happening the day before.
I pressed on anyway.
I chose to invest in my healing relentlessly.
I refused to allow my experience to define me, limit me, or keep me stuck.
I got creative.
I got curious.
I explored.
I decided that every moment was an opportunity.
I used radical reframes.
I used affirmations.
I loved myself so hard that I healed regardless of the impossibilities before me.
Now, trauma no longer defines me.
Now, I am free from the chronic symptoms that had persisted for over a decade, stumping dozens if not hundreds of doctors.
I’ve successfully rewired my memory systems.
Now, I understand trauma recovery deeper than ever before.
I have a more expansive grasp on what the healing journey actually is.
I’ve created a model explaining, exploring, and expressing human consciousness from the inside-out.
In just 2 years, I went from homeless, disabled, and hopeless to thriving, self-employed, and healed deeply and completely.
100% through my own personal healing journey efforts, without any outside guidance.
Now, all I want to do is share the hope I’ve found with the world.
All I want to do is empower others along their own personal healing journeys of life.
All I want to do is harness everything I’ve learned to make a real difference in the world.
All I want to do is share the healing truths I’ve discovered.
All I want is bring more LOVE and LIGHT into this world.
FEAR DOESN’T WIN!
LOVE ALWAYS WIN!
AND WE ARE LOVE AT THE CORE OF OUR CONSCIOUSNESS!
The time for HOPE is now.
The time for rejuvenation is NOW.
Reclaiming power is always possible, and I want to see this truth travel like wildfire throughout the world.
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Kristin Windsor healed herself from 22 years of intensive traumatic-stress in just TWO YEARS through self-LOVE and a comprehensive understanding of NEUROSCIENCE.
Through that, she gained expansive healing journey insights that have the power to CHANGE LIVES, and she deeply desires to share that healing energywith the world.
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