I need to clear memory on my laptop, so here are some unedited notes from April 2019!
I never explicitly remember these things, but I know the implicit experience remains within my consciousness, and explicit notes help the information move forward with me!
April 2, 2019, at 1:34 PM:
When living in only right brain hemisphere, dissociation is constant: no sense of self {left brain hemisphere}, no grounding in physical being {left brain hemisphere}, & increased energetic connection with the surrounding world {right brain hemisphere}.
When looking at a spider, I become his size, watching his world right by his side. As cool as this may appear to be, without awareness, it can be traumatizing, as it was for me. Giant bugs haunted my nightmares for years. From ages 12-15, I barely got 2-3 hours of sleep at a time because of the monsters that taunted me.
The crunching sound of raccoons munching on cat food outside was magnified as I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Seeing a large spider once planted a permanent image that my subconscious forcedly revisited routinely, scanning for danger because it never had contact with other parts of the brain in order to share information & collaborate to find a sense of safety.
April 18, 2019, at 2 PM:
~~~New Format for the Dissociative Identity Movement~~~
Originally, I created the Dissociative Identity Movement from a dissociative survival standpoint, desperately fighting for the information I’d discovered to be shared with the general public.
Now that I am progressing with healing & have an increased capacity to engage my neocortex/ prefrontal cortex/ brain’s frontal lobes, I see that the Dissociative Identity Movement has more potential than just sharing already known information: the Dissociative Identity Movement is destined to help evolve humankind towards new knowledge, new information, & new pieces to the healing journey puzzle.
The new Dissociative Identity Movement addresses a wider worldwide audience by exploring consciousness & the neuroscience of life experience in order to bridge worlds between uniconscious minds & multiconscious minds to benefit all of humankind.
Discussing the Development of My Dissociative Identity
~~~Collective Parts of Consciousness: Felicity, Ocean, Krystal, Bambi, Abby, Zina, Kingsley, Coral, Ross, Misty, Lyla, Davina, Roxxie, Shelton, & Rib McBuster~~~
The tediously gradual process of my early brain development & co-incidal parental building of secure internal attachments was going exceedingly well for the first four years of my life. I can pin-point moments of those secure attachments being built: I see a photo of baby me sitting with stuffed animals, & I can remember the precise sensation of that texture, fabric, & level of stuffed-ness inside the toy animals. I can remember the tactile sensations & the associated emotional sensations: love, connection, warm, security, joy, peace, calm, gentle.
From my fourth birthday moving forward, the memories are less warm. A man living near my childhood home did something bad to my body when I was four years-old, & that catalysted the development of my dissociative identity.
My left brain hemisphere was still developing, life experience being processed primarily through my right brain hemisphere. My sense of self did not yet exist. I was new to the world of communication & language. I was still trying to understand the appropriateness of social interactions & what was & was not allowed.
During the trauma, significant portions of my brain shut down to help my body cope.
The memories were processed unconsciously, trapped for decades inside of my internal parasympathetic nervous system & my external clitorus.
After that, my guess is that my corpus callosum stopped developing, or began developing abnormally through some uniquely altered route, as dissociative parts developed, my going on with normal life self in the left brain hemisphere with no knowledge of the trauma & developing “normally”, & dissociative trauma-related parts of consciousness in the right brain hemisphere carrying the trauma memories & coping with life moving forward.
Felicity is the name of my left-brain going on with normal life self.
In the right brain hemisphere, parts Krystal, Ocean, & Bambi developed.
Ocean is a child submit part of consciousness who carries the physical trauma memories.
Bambi is a child attach part of consciousness who helps Ocean & Felicity cope.
Krystal is an adult flight part of consciousness who helps the system continue with external normal life in a way that internally nurtures & cares for child parts.
When the core trauma memories began unconsciously surfacing at age ten, nervous system dysregulation began or intensified, & parts of consciousness Abby & Zina were created for {the sake of} my survival.
Abby is a child flight part of consciousness fragmented from Ocean.
Zina Zintar is an adult/adolescent flight part of consciousness designed to help Abby cope.
During this time, obvious dissociation began. I could not feel the pain when I scraped my knee & it was gushing blood. I didn’t feel related to my family & frequently wondered if I’d been secretly adopted. I often watched my life as if from a movie’s perspective.
When I tried to fall asleep at night, I would start to panic, & everything got very scary. If I succeeded at falling unconsciously into slumber, I was endlessly tormented by night terrors. I would thrash in my bed & wake up with my room tossed around, scratches on my face, & soaked in sweat. Because my parents did not know how to helpfully respond, they asked me to stop waking them up with my problems, so I faced them alone for years.
After increased traumatic-stress during middle school, my dissociative blackouts began as soon as high school started at age fourteen. All of my already existing symptoms worsened, & new ones rapidly developed & intensified.
My entire life experience felt consumed by an indescribable darkness. The ability to focus & engage in class had evaporated: I went from being the favourite of teachers to the “trouble maker” teachers picked on because I would secretly listen to my music through earbuds up my sleeve to help me cope with the mounting insanity.
Self-harming & substance abuse began as I desperately sought ways to cope with this indescribable black hole inside that no one seemed to be worried about but me. Even when my parents believed me to be oppressed by demonic forces, there was no show of concern, which intensified my dissociative switches & blackouts.
This is the first time I experienced full switches of consciousness with amnesic barriers, rather than dissociative shifts of consciousness with blended parts.
My guess is that, if I had somehow been diagnosed before high school, my diagnosis would have been a form of secondary structural dissociation, rather than tierchiery structural dissociation & a dissociative identity.
{9th grade cliffnotes: Kingsley’s experience fronting in the body?}
During underclassmen years of high school {2007-2009}, fight parts Kingsley, Coral, & Ross were created.
During upperclassmen years of high school, Misty was created.
Misty is an adult attach part of consciousness who helps foster limbic-system-pleasing experiences. Misty is a romantic part of consciousness who basically performs the external adult function of internal child part Bambi.
Increased traumatic-stress during 11th grade led to my first suicide attempt. During that time, I was blended with all internal trauma parts. Afterwards, during 12th grade, I was blended with external coping parts.
Another curve ball struck in 2011. One month after turning eighteen years-old, & one month before high school graduation, I was sexually assaulted.
Zina Zintar began fully fronting.
April 24, 2019, at 11:11 AM:
Primitive Reptilian Brain: hears silence, constant buzz in ears, picking up distant sounds
Limbic System: feels vibrations, increased sensitivity to vibrations when agitated
My dissociative identity is divided into three main neurobiological groups: the going on with normal life self neocortex, nurturing caregiver & child parts of consciousness in the limbic system, & the primitive reptilian brain internal & external // inner & outer protector parts.
The going on with normal life self, associated with the left brain hemisphere, is the only part of consciousness with access to the brain’s neocortex. It is the only part of consciousness capable of effectively regulating the nervous system from within, finding healthy ways to soothe the limbic system, creating new experiences or learning new information, & engaging all portions of the brain in a healthy & effective manner. However, this part of consciousness never developed a window of tolerance & easily becomes unconsciously deactivated within the brain.
All dissociative {trauma-related} parts of consciousness are associated with the right brain hemisphere.
Nurturing caregiver & child parts of consciousness experience life through the brain-body’s limbic system. In charge of facial recognition, these parts can become activated when making eye contact, physically seeing people up close {not from a distance, not inside of a car, not through online interaction}, hearing someone’s voice, or missing somebody. The limbic system functions on familiarity: the more familiar, the more readily the activation; the less familiar, the more difficult it is to activate the limbic system & associated parts of consciousness.
The primitive reptilian brain houses internal & external protector parts of consciousness. Without access to the other brains within the brain, this brain experiences an inability to feel joy, gratitude, or any positive emotional sensations. Survival is the only objective, the only concern, the only cognitive capacity experienced by the primitive reptilian brain.
Neocortex: only part capable of consciously choosing to use the part of the brain responsible for attention-switching tasks.