Alter Observations

Alter Observations: 10/21/2017

• Won’t communicate

• When I decide to go for something, limits my ability: couldn’t move hands or open mouth to eat for example

• Can’t convince this part to do something but I can convince it to not follow through on an impulse with a lot of ergy exerting on convincing it

• Dead inside

• Disconnected from everything: people, places, even own self and body

• Isolated not by choice; isolated by choice when others display confirmation that this part is not nor ever will be enough

• Avoids physical stimulation: ice in drinks, shower, touch from a loved one

• I start to come back when I regain my/ OUR personal power by using our voice; however this can only happen when we are alone and can think clearly and write because we can’t talk and we trust NO ONE whatsoever

• When I try to come back, I get severe anxiety: chest pains so fucking awful I would double over screaming in pain if I didn’t have such an ego.

• When someone tries to bring me back, I get a small panic attack instead of it working as hoped.

About Kingsley: April 2018

• needs more sleep (like a teenager)

• introverted (personality-related)

• known to be antisocial (trauma-related)

• find comfort or solace or respite in/ with: spicy foods, scary movies, dudes/ bros/ guys night

• EP, emotional parts (not an ANP; not for functioning in life)

• prefers male pronoun (he/ him/ his)

• uses lowercased letters in the style of e. e. cummings, the poet

• created at age 14

• write poetry (but feels 'gay' for it so is private about it)

• invented Izron language (not yet confirmed... but it's our working theory right now...)

• needs to be able to express his pain-filled self (without scaring people)

• needs to have encouragement in feeling human again

• biggest hurt that I know of: parents having faith in their god yet not their one & only daughter, their very own flesh & blood; they chose demonizing me over any attempt at genuine concern or assistance. Kingsley says, "They couldn't be bothered to care." I know now that they care, & we are working on healing this relationship. I thank them for their generosity & compassion during this difficult season.

Identifying the Presence of Alters: 4/21/18 Journal

• Right now it feels like I only have PTSD, not DID. Very confusing! Perhaps this is a "new" (unfamiliar) alter who holds trauma (?).

• What memories do you dominantly have access to? Assault from February 2018.

• In what ways does anxiety manifest for you? Not constantly anxious like others, but SUPER jumpy, unlike the others.

• What are the primary/ dominant mental illness symptoms you experience? Depression, anhedonia, PTSD symptoms, intrusive thoughts, paranoia, anxiety, hyper-arousal, passive/ generalized suicidal ideations, etc.

About "Higher Self" Part: 5/10/18

• faerie goddess

• all life/ matter is energy

• inner tranquility, stillness; a divine knowing

• appreciates all living creatures equally: a gnat has infinite value as do humans

• life focus: vibrate higher

• This part does not feel anything like dissociation: only a positive shift in perspective if I pay ridiculously meticulous attention to the small details of life with an open mind & a heart of gratitude.

Alter Notes: 5/10/18

• PTSD part also doesn't feel like dissociation.

• When I shift to Bambi, it feels like dissociation—physically & mentally especially due to age regression. She has fully accepted that she is an alternate state of consciousness. She willingly works with whatever other parts are present, positive or not.

Soulbond Names: 5/16/18

• previous Misty is now Zina Zintar (means "brilliant, sparkling; was a character in my fictional series that fits this alter shockingly well)

• previous romantic is now Misty

• previous PTSD part is now Simone (Simon means "one who hears" which fits the hyper-arousal)

• previous fragment is now Shelton (means "dweller on the edge of town"; a shell of a person, as I curl up in a shell during episodes)

• previous higher self is now Davina (means "brightness")

Alter Notes: 5/16/18

• Zina & Kingsley are twins. They were both created in the fall of 2007 at age 14. They are not stuck in time; in other words, I do not experience noticeable age regression in those states of consciousness. These twins are polar opposite in all ways: male v female, introvert v extrovert, depressed v manic, traumatized v carefree, asexual v hypersexual, etc.

• In 2017, Davina was created. She is my "higher self" faerie goddess. She has no mental illness battles/ struggles/ symptoms—not even an ounce of anxiety or depression(!). Davina believes that all matter, all life, all of earth & its content—it's all energy. Even god is energy. #vibratehigher (Purple = fav colour.)

• The romantic (now named Misty) wants (needs!) to start writing "love letters to my future husband/partner" again. Like, ASAP, she says. :)

Are you connected with the body (image)? 5/27/18

• Ocean, No

• Bambi, No

• Kingsley, No

• the darkness, No

• Zina Zintar, Yes

• Misty, Yes

• Kristin, Yes

• Davina, Yes

• Shelton, No

• Simone, Yes

More Recent PTSD Part: 6/5/18

• Every tiny thing makes my heart RACE. Uncontrollably. This level of hyperarousal is truly horrifying/ petrifying. I am constantly angry because every single thing spikes such immense fear & I am on guard ALL of the time (subconsciously/ physically). It's exhausting. It drags me to deep depression even when I am coping well with the depression from the trauma themselves.

• The one positive aspect is that, in this state of consciousness, I am capable of escaping: I can watch movies & TV shows & actually RELAX. Normally I feel the constant need to keep myself grounded through non-stop coping tools, constantly working to understand myself better. Here, I can just relax into my being. I am already in this one state of consciousness without the need to be careful: I don't switch like usual.

• Dominant memories include traumas from the past year. I have access to my whole life, though. It's trippy.

Ocean: 6/23/18

• Ocean came forward during the chiropractor session while Dr. Luca calmed us down after an adjustment inspired by a fierce drilling sensation in the lower left area of my brain. The intention was to reduce anxiety; I assume Ocean came forward because she does not experience anxiety, but I have a feeling there's a lot more to it.