A Fragment of My Consciousness.
- Kristin Windsor
- Nov 22, 2017
- 4 min read
A "fragment" of consciousness is similar to an alter, or alternate state of consciousness, in that it is separate from the other parts of consciousness with its own unique characteristics, perspectives, natural inclinations based on personal beliefs, memory bank, & so on & so forth. However, unlike an alter, a fragment is not a fully developed personality state. Its identity is very two dimensional.
A fragment may hold one particular emotion or memory of trauma, for example, & it will only possess feelings & perspectives & instinctive responses directly relating to that specific responsibility within the system. An alter, on the other hand, is a more developed identity in that it has the capacity to accomplish multiple jobs within the system, & its identity will be more well-rounded, taking its data from a variety of life events, emotions, ideas, & conclusions, rather than just one.
The other night, I clearly identified myself experiencing a fragment of consciousness. It was awful, to say the least. I would rank it up there as one of the more terrifying experiences that accompanies my chronic condition of severe dissociation.
This fragment part experiences post-traumatic stress episodes in the form of severely intense & terrifyingly awful physical body sensations, which often result in full body tremors that can appear like mild seizures.
When attempting to relax because I am aware of great distress within my mind, these full body tremors will attack.
I can be laying in bed or sitting on the couch, completely at ease in terms of how most people would think of relaxation, yet my body begins spazzing uncontrollably, usually for several minutes.
It’s exhausting, mentally & physically, & absolutely terrifying to not be in control of my own body or even aware of what is causing such distress. Sometimes I am disconnected from myself & I observe the experience without having to experience it fully; other times, I am fully present & the experience is utterly horrifying.
Terrifying body sensations & full body tremors are not the only intense physical warning sign of this fragment’s presence. I also experience fainting-type spells.
I am not entirely certain of the specific cause, but my best guess is that my system becomes too overwhelmed by the negative experience & tunes it out the most immediate way it can come up with when less extreme coping mechanisms fail. I spontaneously lose all control of my body as this fragment part becomes the only state of consciousness present. This usually lasts for several minutes. Each time this happened, I physically passed out while remaining mentally conscious, collapsing to the floor helplessly without any muscle control to break my fall, completely aware that I am falling to the ground & might have more physical wounds to nurse & mend yet being entirely unable to stop it.
The third time this happened the other night, I landed roughly on my already injured wrist & it has been in massive pain ever since—sometimes so much pain that it simply disconnects from the brain & I am unable to use it in any way. In those moments, I may as well not have a right hand at all.
It damages the vivaciousness of my spirit to know that misfortune only seems to lead to more misfortunate: being disabled naturally led to homelessness which led to being in the situation where I was physically assaulted; yet being disabled also causes these fainting spells which lead me to re-injuring that wrist. When it rains, it pours. The photographs in this post are what my actual expression was like once I made it into bed after the fainting spells: shocked, scared, alone, & in indescribably mental & physical pain.
In this fragmented state, I am completely disconnected from both mind & body.
I am aware of some utterly awful happenings occurring in my brain because of the way the experience feels & the way the mental landscape appears. I can tell that there’s a storm within me, yet I am protected from its harsh intensity because of the dissociation, which is an extreme coping mechanism of the mind.
I know there are negative happenings in the mind because of its negative consequences on my well-being. It’s similar to how you can know a terrible wildfire or an awful storm like a hurricane has passed through a land by witnessing or experiencing the devastating wreckage it left behind.
I cannot know the detailed happenings of my mind while in such a fragmented state of consciousness, nor can I feel physical sensations as I normally would. I am completely cut off from my true self. I touch a cold blade to my forearm just to know that I’m alive, to talk myself out of the impulse to hurt myself, the strong desire for self-harm to ground myself... yet I find no comfort or relief because I physically feel nothing, not even the sharp blade on my skin.
Thankfully, I was able to resist those urges, but I am not always so fortunate.
I grow more afraid of my own mind, knowing it will hurt no one but me & leave no trace of the terror leading to my demise. I will not be remembered as the brave, bold, beautiful woman I truly am, but as someone too weak & insane to understand or endure her own brain’s inner-workings.
It’s almost like walking through a huge haunted house where the people who are supposed to scare you are actually allowed to do terrifying things to add to the dramatic effect. Feelings of constant terror. Never-ending fear. Helpless anxiety. Mental terror. Emotional torture. Overwhelmed with helplessness & hopelessness. Awful in every way, on all fronts, in every imaginable aspect.
It is nightmares & horrifying terrors transformed into reality. It's all of the ghosts of the mind coming out to viciously, maliciously play all at once; all trauma at the front of my mind while all good thoughts are hidden, tucked away out of sight; despairingly lost in the darkness of oblivion. Life appears so bleak that heart genuinely believes, “No one can save me now.”
Will I always be in this battle alone? Will society forever invalidate my pain just because it doesn’t make sense to them!?
I am a warrior fighting an invisible battle, & people often just disregard me as lazy & immature because I don't function in society the same way they do.
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