This is the first time I've had healthy boundaries in my relationships.
Before, I didn't really understand how to use them or what the purpose even was.
Now, I prioritize the energetic boundaries in my life because I know it increases my access to personal power, overall well-being, and the truth of my worth.
I used to allow anyone and everyone into my life.
When someone would cause me pain, I had an unconscious tendency to internalize it and assume it to be related to my very meager worth, or something I did wrong. My mind tried to justify their actions because my heart was so filled with hopeful love towards them. The truth was that their actions revealed their own character and said nothing about my own.
I used to prioritize the happiness of others and neglect my own pursuit of happiness. I often compromised my own needs to meet the needs of others. I often gave out of self-sacrifice rather than energetic overflow.
I used to take responsibility for other people's happiness and hope they'd also take some responsibility for mine.
If I was feeling a particular emotion, it seemed the responsibility of my friends to share in that emotion with me, or at least support my experience and processing through their presence. From boredom and excitement to anger and sorrow, emotions drove me towards others, rather than driving me inwards towards myself, where the emotions were coming from all along.
When I had a particular goal or dream, I would share it with my friends and ask them to hold me accountable. When I wasn't able to fully follow-through, I had a tendency to internally blame them for not holding me true to my desire. My follow-through with self-accountability was often lacking.
My ability to take responsibility for my feelings and the overall state of my life was a struggle. I tended to blame other people, or life events, or my health, or my past experiences, or my emotions. Because the focus of where difficulties arose from was placed externally, I had very little power internally to respond, transform, and resolve those difficulties.
Spending time with friends rarely held a specified intention, other than escaping the mundane misery of our own existences.
Rather than prioritizing presence with ourselves and with one another, "hang outs" usually consisted of mutually directing our attention towards some form of escapism.
Most of my friendships were very superficial, existing because of convenience or mutual external specifics.
Rarely did the friendships deep-dive into worth, well-being, or soulful hopes and dreams.
I always wanted them to, but because I was not fully deep-diving into my own worth, well-being, or soulful hopes and dreams, the depth of sharing such topics with friends held energetic limitations.
And these were just my friendships! My dating relationships were even more unhealthy!
I was always trying to find someone who would take care of me, help me feel safe, see my worth, encourage my dreams, and dedicate themselves to me. I understand now the relationship between these habitual tendencies and the development of my consciousness where attachment formation was disrupted by traumatic-stress. I appreciate these self-insights, and I also take full responsibility for the health of my relational actions and interactions.
It's been a long and intensive three years of radical healing where friendships were released, transformed, and healed to shed past timelines and create space for new experiences.
Attachments can be beautiful when healthy. Often, though, they drive us towards self-comprise. I now prioritize conscious living and refuse to allow for emotions, wants, or attachments to make decisions for me anymore.
Now, I am extremely particular with the people I allow into my life. My standards are high, and it feels good to embody my worth in this way. I do not habitually create space for just anyone to walk into my life.
Like everything else in the world, friendships are energy, and I choose friendships that offer an equal energetic exchange. I am done pouring into people who refuse to pour into themselves. I am done taking responsibility for other people's emotions, happiness, or potential when they refuse to invest into their own well-being. I no longer invest loving care in those who refuse to invest loving care in themselves. I am done creating space for people who are unable to offer a reciprocal vibration. My energy is my power, and I am worthy of empowering friendships.
Now, I am my own best friend. I offer myself the love, care, and encouragement that I need. I lovingly embrace my inner being as the only life partner I am ever guaranteed. I provide myself the healing moments, tender courage, and empowering encouragement that I need to thrive through all the ups and downs of life.
Now, I take full responsibility for my well-being. The hope of my life comes from within me, not from the outside world. I am in charge of my own happiness. My health is my responsibility. My emotions, my trauma recovery, the pursuit of my dreams, and everything in between are in my hands alone.
I prioritize my own inner being and the relentless pursuit of my heart and soul's desires. I hold myselves accountable to my goals with steadfast persistence and unconditional compassion. I encourage myselves every day. I uplift my inner being. I empower myselves. I create tender space for deep and radical healing. I create the energy of safety from within me. I create space to see all parts of myselves. I create space to dedicate my energy to my own inner being. I inspire myselves towards my/our dreams. I deep-dive every day into my identity, worth, and infinite potentiality.
In addition, I now have the tools, insight, and energetic awareness to recognize when someone else is trying to hold me accountable to their own happiness and create unhealthy co-dependency, and I am able to release those friendships in love while standing in my truth, power, and peace.
Now, I know that my energy is my only priority, and the actions and reactions of others has absolutely nothing to do with who I am or what I am worth. I understand that the way people behave and conduct themselves reveals the state of their own consciousness, the well-being of their own parts, and the groundedness of their own inner child. I am learning more and more how to let go of caring about how others perceive or respond to me. I am learning, deeper and deeper, how to care for myselves when triggers arise. I am learning more and more how to let go and love myselves.
Now, every intention holds a specified intention. I am careful with my focus. I prioritize where I place my energetic attention, both alone and while in the company of others. I only create space for friendships of energetic depth: if we can't discuss things of soul and invest in creating magic alongside one another, I truly do not see the purpose in the energetic investment of a relationship.
Now, I create space for healthy friendships where we mutually uplift one another because we are already individually uplifting ourselves; where we mutually empower one another because we are already independently empowering ourselves; where we create magic alongside one another because we are already creating magic on our own.
This upcoming year of 2020 will be the first time in my life that I stand fully in my worthiness and only allow healthy, healing relationships into the walls of my home and the sacred space of my heart.
Friendships are energy, and I choose friendships that offer an equal exchange of vibration.